It’s been a long time. I’ve been so busy. I started my program and have been stuck in books for the last month. Kinesiology is kicking my ass. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it. I need this. My kids need this. I have to be able to stand on my own and physical therapy is going to do that for me. The damned is high, the pay is good, and I love the field.
Things on the home front have been as equally challenging. Probably more so after tonight. It’s been up and down for months. I’ve just been riding the rollercoaster and cherishing the good days. They haven’t been completely awful. It’s been more of living with a dark cloud in the other room. Depression has been the mood of the past few months.
I spend my days alone as he sleeps through most of life. When we are together there is a silence so heavy it sits on your chest making you uncomfortable. There’s been no laughs, no smiles, no conversations. Through times like these, I could at least count on texts throughout the day to know there is still a glimmer. The texts have stopped. All communication has stopped.
I worked today and he worked tonight. The kids were gone so I got in a nap after work and decided to wait up on him as we haven’t seen each other in a few days. About an hour after he was supposed to be home I sent a “hey, let me know you’re ok text.”. No reply. I sent tried calling to make sure he was alright and it went rang and he silenced it. Here’s where I went wrong, I located his phone.
Yes. I know, shit head thing to do. I saw where it was and actually didn’t think much about it until he called an hour later. He said he’d forgot to call, him and the guys from work stopped at a bar for a bit, he was sorry. Ok, cool, I’m a little pissed you didn’t text just to stop my worrying. So I grab my homework to study a bit and then it hit me. That wasn’t where his phone was. That was miles away. So, I texted and gave him an out. Hey, is there anything you want to say? Nope, sorry it’s noisy in this bar can’t talk.
So, I now have to check again. Yes, accurate to 29 yards. I send another text. Yes, I know at this point I’m being the jealous, nagging wife. But, fuck, I’ve just been lied to three times. And what reason does he have to lie. Hey, the kids are at grandma’s and you work in the morning, I’m going to hang out with my friends and get drunk and stoned. My answer would have been something along the line of, “don’t chance it, stay there for the night. Stay safe.”. Seriously, I have to be up at 4a.m.for work and won’t be home until 2 in the afternoon, one of us should have fun. Just let me have a nap when I get home.
So, that brings me back to why would he lie? It’s 5 hours later and still no denial of where he really is, so again why would he lie? Maybe I should ask who she is instead? I hope she’s worth it. I’ve tried and I’d tried. I’m exhausted and I deserve better. I deserve the truth. One day, I hope I can get this relationship thing right. I’m 0 for 2 and tired of playing games.
The Rollercoaster 
It’s been four months since I spoke to my ex-boyfriend for the last time. I still miss him and I am still grieving the demise of our relationship. But I feel so much better mentally, as horrible as it sounds. No more ignoring, unanswered calls and texts, worrying where he is and if he is dead or alive. No more forgotten birthdays and Valentines days. No more worrying if there is another woman. No more alcohol. I am single but I feel less lonely than when I was in that relationship. I am actually positive about my future. I wish love was enough. But sometimes it isn’t. I wanted to be there for him but then he avoided me because I was mothering him. When I was backing off, he was seeking attention elsewhere. Love is beautiful but so is self-respect and I am glad that I have it back…
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It doesn’t sound horrible. There are so many times I just want peace. I want to feel worth something and not like someone’s chew toy. I get so frustrated and keep trying and failing.
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Zebra, you keep trying and failing so what will happen if you stop trying? Can you fail more? How about focusing on yourself? You should be your main course. Your life, happiness and dreams should matter and then your sons as they deserve a mom who is happy and fulfilled, who also shows them that a woman should be cherished and smiling and not frustrated and neglected. And then comes your husband, who has bipolar, but who should also have respect and be loyal to you because this is what being a husband is about no matter what disease he has. So how about just stopping and taking care of yourself and your children and enjoying that you are a woman and a Mum. And stop worrying, wondering and trying to fix. You are not a man. It’s a man’s job to figure things out and fix them if he sees the need. Your life is so much more than him and the relationship with him.
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Its taken me a long time to get to this point, but I am done trying. I try and fail, try and fail. I’m sick of failing.
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