It’s Been a Long Few Months

I don’t know where to even begin.  Time has moved fast and slow.  The days have seemed to be endless, yet the weeks and months have flown by.  College courses and kids have kept me busy.  I try to stay positive even as we reach a low that we have never before reached.

Things are finally at a crossroads for me.  I can no longer stay on this journey and remain intact myself.  I’ve been dragged into the pit of self loathing and depression and I have to save me.  I have tried, God, have I tried.  I fight for attention, acknowledgment, conversation, anything and in return I get a back turned at me, a pillow thrown over a head, or the volume turned higher on his cell phone.

It finally hit me just how low I’d sunk when I received a text from my ex-husband.  He and his long time girlfriend are expecting a baby in a few months.  During a late night craving run he texted me and told me he’d forever be grateful for all I’d done for our two sons and I held a special place in his heart.

It made me cry.  It’s the nicest thing a man in my life has said to me in months.  And it came from my ex-husband, who is in love with another, and in the form of a text.  Not by someone who claims to love me, but by someone who is in my life because of obligations.

The bad days are more than the good days.  The time I spend watching you sleep outnumbers the time you spend with our family, the silence is all consuming, and the loneliness is more than I can bare.

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7 Responses to It’s Been a Long Few Months

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    It can be so tough, I really do empathize with you. However you are not alone, if you ever need to talk you have s willing ear here!

    Like

    • zebrabrie says:

      Thanks Vic. I know that you get it. Its only January and he never really rebounded from last winter and I just dont know that I have it in me anymore. And it breaks my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

        If you read my last couple of posts then you will see that I am exactly at the same point you are.

        Like

      • zebrabrie says:

        I did and know feelings all too well. I’m truly sorry its doing the same to you, but I must admit its feels a little better knowing I don’t live this hell alone. I always told myself if the bad days outweighed the good…..I have some serious soul searching to do.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s great that you have such a good outlook on his text.

    Like

  3. This too shall pass… It’s good that you are still able to see and identify positive things in your life. You’ll be in my thoughts.

    Like

    • zebrabrie says:

      I’m not sure it is going to pass. Its ok though. I’m at peace with his decisions. I have to save what little of myself I have left. I love him with all I have, but I can’t help him anymore. He won’t let me.

      Liked by 1 person

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