End of This Chapter?

I’m usually a fairly laid back person.  I tend to keep quiet and find myself saying sorry for things I have no control over.  I try not to make waves and tend to keep the status quo, or try to.  Until I can’t anymore.   Most of the time, it all comes spewing out at someone who just happened to add the final straw.  And then months of built up anger and frustration come flying out of my mouth.

Today, however, it was directed at the person that has been the cause of most of the heartache and frustration.  To the outside world, people in Paul’s life think I am an evil, vile bitch that he married.  They get texts and phone calls from him that paint me in this light.   They never hear anything but his disdain for me.

When we first got together, his mom was the sweetest person towards me and often told me she was grateful he had someone who supported him.  As of late, this is quite the opposite.  I’ve been told I’m full of nothing but drama and do more harm to him than good.  His need to always be the victim has completely changed how everyone perceives me.

It wasn’t until last night that I saw just how much he plays this card.  He was texting his mom and accidentally sent me the text meant for her.  He tried to talk his way out of it.  He tried blaming Verizon and claimed it must have been a text sent months ago.  But, I now know why she despises me so.

Not liking that I confronted him, he gave me two choices.  I could end the conversation now and he would overlook that I am calling him a liar or we could continue the conversation and this marriage was over.  So, yes, I pushed the little button.  I poked the sleeping bear.  I continued the conversation and told him he’s right , that it was over.  I made it clear  that to everyone else he could continue to paint me in an evil light and place all the blame on me.  But, when I look in the mirror in the morning I know the truth and so does he.

He screamed and yelled that it was all my doing and in my head.  I made it clear I had nothing to gain by lying, that he had everything to lose by doing so.  I cannot continue to be the villain.  I am a good person and am worth so much more.  And I hope you remember that every time you look in the mirror because you are throwing away the best damn thing that has ever happened to you for a few lines of woe is me text and a few poor baby phone calls.

I am damn sick of you playing the bipolar card anytime you want and with no regard to how you make anyone else feel.  I am tired of you threatening to leave anytime you are confronted with consequences to your actions.  If it’s that damn disposable, then please just go.  I have nothing left to fight for anymore.  I’m tired, so damn tired.

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One Response to End of This Chapter?

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    I really do understand where you are coming from. The sad reality is that, In marriages where one spouse is bi-polar, there is a 90% divorce rate. That is a hell of a statistic to overcome!

    One thing my therapist had told me to consider is the effects on me (physically and emotionally) if I put my needs behind my partners and do not expect anything in return.

    It is one thing to have limited period of time where your needs are secondary and another thing entirely to be secondary the entire marriage.

    I am not telling you to get divorced but I am saying that your needs also have to be met. This is something your spouse is responsible for, mental illness or not. If you both cannot work together to solidify your relationship, then I think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with yourself.

    Please do not go this alone. Seek professional counseling, both on your own and together as a couple.

    Take care.


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