It’s Been a Long Few Months

I don’t know where to even begin.  Time has moved fast and slow.  The days have seemed to be endless, yet the weeks and months have flown by.  College courses and kids have kept me busy.  I try to stay positive even as we reach a low that we have never before reached.

Things are finally at a crossroads for me.  I can no longer stay on this journey and remain intact myself.  I’ve been dragged into the pit of self loathing and depression and I have to save me.  I have tried, God, have I tried.  I fight for attention, acknowledgment, conversation, anything and in return I get a back turned at me, a pillow thrown over a head, or the volume turned higher on his cell phone.

It finally hit me just how low I’d sunk when I received a text from my ex-husband.  He and his long time girlfriend are expecting a baby in a few months.  During a late night craving run he texted me and told me he’d forever be grateful for all I’d done for our two sons and I held a special place in his heart.

It made me cry.  It’s the nicest thing a man in my life has said to me in months.  And it came from my ex-husband, who is in love with another, and in the form of a text.  Not by someone who claims to love me, but by someone who is in my life because of obligations.

The bad days are more than the good days.  The time I spend watching you sleep outnumbers the time you spend with our family, the silence is all consuming, and the loneliness is more than I can bare.