I knew it wouldn’t last. Superficially, I smiled, hoped, and pretended that it would. Yet, deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. This time is different, however.
There was no argument between us. There was no hostility. Nothing was said in anger or with resentment.
I worked this morning and picked up baby back ribs, corn on the cob, and potatoes and made a damn fine meal for father’s day. The tone since I had been off work was light and carefree. My older boys were with their father and it was just my husband and our son.
There was actual conversation through dinner and laughs and playtime with our son. Talks about a camp trip with the boys when we get back from Jamaica. And in the blink of an eye his happiness disappeared. He looked at me and said he was going to bed before he says something he will regret.
It’s now 7:00 in the evening and I keep replaying it over in my head. There was no trigger, there was no tone, just a complete shut down and anger at me. Irritatation just sitting on the couch next to me. Maybe the trigger is just me. I’ve sat in silence trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said that was wrong. I can’t shut off the tears while knowing the only cause was simply me being me. A simple, light hearted conversation with me is now enough to completely wipe out a good day and send him spiraling down so quickly that he shuts himself off in our bedroom.
Simply being me now means being curled up on the couch and crying alone. Being me just isn’t good enough.