It Always Ends

I knew it wouldn’t last.  Superficially, I smiled, hoped, and pretended that it would.  Yet, deep down, I knew it wouldn’t.  This time is different, however.

There was no argument between us.  There was no hostility.  Nothing was said in anger or with resentment. 

I worked this morning and picked up baby back ribs, corn on the cob, and potatoes and made a damn fine meal for father’s day. The tone since I had been off work was light and carefree.  My older boys were with their father and it was just my husband and our son. 

There was actual conversation through dinner and laughs and playtime with our son.  Talks about a camp trip with the boys when we get back from Jamaica.  And in the blink of an eye his happiness disappeared.  He looked at me and said he was going to bed before he says something he will regret.

It’s now 7:00 in the evening and I keep replaying it over in my head.  There was no trigger, there was no tone, just a complete shut down and anger at me.  Irritatation just sitting on the couch next to me. Maybe the trigger is just me.  I’ve sat in silence trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said that was wrong.  I can’t shut off the tears while knowing the only cause was simply me being me.  A simple, light hearted conversation with me is now enough to completely wipe out a good day and send him spiraling down so quickly that he shuts himself off in our bedroom. 

Simply being me now means being  curled up on the couch and crying alone.  Being me just isn’t good enough.

This entry was posted in Bipolar, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to It Always Ends

  1. Pingback: Truth Telling, Anxiety & Marriage, Invisible Disease, Rollercoasters, and Absent Fathers | A Way With Words

  2. Forgive my error, the previous comment was meant for another post.

    Thank you for this heart-wrenching description of the roller-coaster ride that is bipolar. I know it all too well and I confess I’ve been in your husband’s shoes far too often.

    I did include this in my blog’s “Mental Health Monday” feature.



    • zebrabrie says:

      Thank you. I just discarded the previous comment. I read through a lot of your blog after a like on one of my posts.

      I truly enjoyed reading it and the links on your posts have been helpful. From one fellow Hoosier to another thank you and keep on fighting and writing.


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