I See

My husband was upfront and honest with me concerning his disease.  Not to say that it is an easy thing for him to accept, but he is very vocal about it.  Sometimes, I find myself kicking him under the table or elbowing him in the ribs in the hopes that he will catch my eye and read the pleading within them. 

Please stop telling them your brain is wired different.  Please quit telling them you are on disability.  Please.  Just stop.

I’m not ashamed of my husband.  He is wired different.  I know it’s through no action other than being born that caused this.  That’s not where the pleading comes from.  I see the way you angle your body to the rear, gearing up for a quick retreat.  I see the way you cross your arms, slowly shutting him out.  I see the way your lips purse and I know you are holding in a snarky reply.  I see the light dim in your eyes and know you have just written off having any sort of intellectual conversation.  I see.

You are the ones that don’t see.  You don’t see that you are missing out on the opportunity to make friends with one of the most loyal people you will ever meet.  You don’t see that you are losing out on having someone that will have your back no matter what stage he’s cycling through.  You don’t see the man that will stand by your side no matter the cost.  You don’t see that you are denying yourself a lifetime of intellectual conversations that will often change your perspective on a few topics. 

You don’t see that he is not his disease.  He is a man with bipolar.  He is my best friend.  I can see.  You should try it sometime. 

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6 Responses to I See

  1. tww112477 says:

    AMEN….. so true…. “You don’t see that he is NOT his disease. He is a man with bipolar. He is my best friend. I can see. You should try it sometime. “

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  2. It’s great how deeply you support him. I look forward to the day I have a husband who loves and supports me with this burden I didn’t chose to have. Good luck to you both and I wish him well during his disability leave. Thank you for this. Take care.

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    • zebrabrie says:

      Thank you. I am not claiming to be a saint. There are many days where I want to clobber him or days like today where’s he’s told me he doesn’t want to see me today and has left, that I question how much rejection I can take. I don’t want to be that 90%. I know it’s hard for him, I truly do, but I wonder if realizes how hard it is for me too.

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      • I don’t know him and I can only speak from my own experience. When I was in my long time relationship, I had times that I needed to get away and be alone. Most of the time it was because I felt extremely guilty. I knew it pained her to see me in so much agony. Going through my depression is inevitable and extremely painful in every sense of the word. What hurts more is seeing how much my pain hurts her when I already ask so much of her by being ill. Sometimes it was unbearable, so I would ask her to leave me alone for a few days. I can’t change my brain chemistry. I don’t choose to be depressed but my thought was I could try and “protect” her from me and my crazy by staying away.

        I don’t know him so I can’t say that this is how he feels…. BUT maybe he has a similar feeling.

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      • zebrabrie says:

        I never looked at it that way. Ah! If he’d just vocalize instead of shut down. I know, I know that’s his way. I don’t need protected from his crazy. I married his Damn crazy!! I get he needs to decompress, I worry when he does this. This disease sucks balls. Thank you for the view from the inside. Gives me a lot to think about.

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  3. LOVE your loyalty and introspection!! ❤

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